You’re going along, having a great day as a family, and then it happens, your child looks at you and back talks. I know that was a huge trigger for me and I would get angry in a heartbeat. Nothing says disrespect more than a kid who talks back to you.
I’m going to give you some strategies to reduce talking back no matter the age. You will hear how to address it in the moment, as well as handle it with consequences for the long-term.
I have seen it time and time again, in my family and the families I work with. Parents doing a great job with their children until the smirk shows up with the refusal to do what they were asked, or snide comments behind your backs. It doesn’t matter what age your child is, it’s a trigger. I know when I was a new parent I would have a flash of cold run through my body with an instant fear of “Now what?” I didn’t know how I would get my kid to do what they were asked if they were being defiant. I would immediately get angry because I was being disrespected. And this was amplified for me because I was a single parent and didn’t have someone else I could turn to while I got my emotions under control.
There are a lot of different reasons why children talk back or are disrespectful and defiant. Those reasons tend to depend on their age. The younger they are, the more likely it is that they are just repeating what they’ve heard an older sibling say or are just beginning to assert their independence. Let’s say you’re dealing with a two year old who is just learning how to talk and do some things on their own. You’re walking through the mall, doing your shopping, and she all of a sudden looks at you and says, “Stop it. Right now!” Sure, it might be funny the first couple of times to hear a two year old assert her wishes strongly but it can quickly become a problem. She probably picked it up from hearing a parent say things like, “Get away from the stove right now! You’re going to get burned” and associate it with getting cooperation quickly. But she doesn’t understand the reasons behind why a parent might use that tone and wording - for safety rather than for enforcing their desires. In this case, the best thing to do in the moment is to stop, get down on her level, and gently tell her that is not an acceptable way to talk to someone else. When it happens again, because it will, correct her every time by telling her that she is being rude or disrespectful and that it is not nice to talk to people that way. Eventually, she will learn that she won’t get her way by using those words.
Older kids are looking to stop something they don’t like or refuse to do something they don’t want to do. They’ve probably heard a sibling try it out or friends use this strategy. Perhaps you’re having a family clean up day and they hit their limit and just refuse to do anything else. Or they’re finished supper, you tell them to do their homework and they look at you and say those dreaded words, “No, you can’t make me!” I always felt a little panic hearing that because they were right, I couldn’t make them. There was literally no way on the planet that I could force them to sit down and complete school work. The first thing to do in the moment is acknowledge their emotion. Say something like, “It sounds like you might be tired out from the day. Why don’t we take a break and talk?” That takes the fight out of the situation right away. Sit at the table and have a yummy drink. Ask how they are feeling and what makes them not want to do what they were asked. Try not to ask “Why” questions. It puts people on the defensive and feels blaming. Their refusal is likely just being overwhelmed by doing yet another something in their day. Talk about how everyone gets overwhelmed by responsibilities sometimes. Remind them that it’s not okay to be disrespectful and that if talking back continues, there will be some kind of consequence. Maybe even have a discussion together to determine what that consequence should be. Kids will buy in to conforming if they have some say in the situation.
Now we all know that teenagers are a whole different breed of difficult. The attitude has shifted from “You can’t make me” to “I don’t have to listen to you because I’m old enough to do what I want.” Part of it may be testing the waters to see what will happen. Part of it is their changing hormones. But part of it might be that they’ve learned that they can get away with it. Talking back is disrespectful and you work hard to be a parent. Disrespect should never be tolerated. The first thing to do is to tell them they are being rude and that they need to stop speaking to you that way. If they continue, inform them that you are leaving the room and will talk with them when they can be respectful. Tell them that there will be a discussion about the way they are speaking to you. They may decide to stop and talk in an acceptable manner at this point. Once everyone is calm, sit down and have a conversation about why the way they were talking was not acceptable and was hurtful. Kids are generally empathetic and will understand having their feelings hurt. Like we just talked about, work out what the consequences will be if they talk disrespectfully again. If your child decides to follow you from the room, continuing to speak rudely, go to a room they can’t follow you to. Give everyone a chance to calm down, then have a discussion. If the problem has been continuing for a long time, it may take some significant effort to get it under control. You will have to ensure that you are following through with any consequences that were agreed on. Follow through is essential to change.
These steps should bring some peace to your family. If you are struggling with how to implement any of these strategies, please feel free to schedule a free one hour Step by Step Parenting session with me at www.survive-parenthood.com to discuss how a one to one coaching relationship might be helpful.