You’re going along with your day, maybe running errands and getting groceries. Your little one suddenly looks at you and asks the dreaded question, “Where do babies come from?” Gulp. How do you answer that?
I’m going to give you some tips for facing this topic. I’ll talk about strategies for how to tailor your answer for different ages and what’s important for kids to know.
The amount of panic you have in response to the baby question probably depends on if it’s the first time you’ve been asked. You stutter and stumble and try to figure out what to say.
The first thing to do is decide if it’s something you need to answer right away. If you’re in the produce section, you don’t need to have a discussion about babies. It’s perfectly alright to say, “We’ll talk about that when we get home.” That gives you a little time and space to think through how you might approach this question. Your child is likely pretty young if it’s the first time you’re hearing the question. That means that you don’t need to provide a lot of details. You could start by asking your own question like, “Why do you want to know where babies come from?” That gives you a bit of a jumping off point. It may just be a random curious question or it could be a question in response to something someone else in their world said.
If your child is young, think five or younger, you can keep it really simple. Talk about how babies grow in mommies’ tummies when two people love each other in a special, grown up way. That will usually satisfy a little one. If it doesn’t and they continue to ask questions, you can keep the answers simple or you can stall and find some age appropriate books to read to them. Make sure that your child knows the proper names for their body parts.
When your child is in the younger range but in school, they most likely heard something from another child, potentially an older one. You can sit in a quiet, comfortable place with them to explore what they already know. A good place to start is exactly that, “Tell me what you know about it.” That can help you determine the amount of detail that goes into your answer. Health classes are beginning to talk about bodies and development around grade four so you could also ask what they’ve learned at school. Again, with younger ages, you don’t have to get into explicit detail. You know your child and if they need to delve deeper. Take some time to think about what you feel they need to know depending on their age so you can feel prepared. They’re likely aware that boys and girls have different parts but you won’t necessarily need to explain what goes where in order to conceive. It can be more general, explaining that girls’ bodies produce half of the baby’s material and boys’ bodies produce the other half and babies are made when those materials come together.
If your child is old enough to hear how tab A fits in slot B, again, find a quiet comfortable spot to talk and go through things. They’re probably going to be just as embarrassed as you are so you can always check part way through if they want more detail than you’re giving them. It is very important to discuss with them that sex is something that they don’t want to rush into. You may believe that sex should wait until marriage or you may believe that individuals can do what they want, when they want. It doesn’t matter as long as your child knows that sex is emotional as well as physical. They need to be ready emotionally to deal with the consequences of having sex with someone. Science is showing that our physical bodies are better off when we put off sex until age 18 and later.
When your kids hit the age of around 11 or so, if you haven’t had a talk with them about sex, you need to plan to do so. They need to be prepared to handle any pressure they might face to have sex before they feel ready. They also need to know what your family’s specific guidelines are around sexual activity. Another important component is knowing what contraception options there are. The earlier you talk with your child about safe sex, the more automatic the decision will be for them to use protection.
Statistics are showing that teen pregnancies are slightly declining but this doesn’t mean that kids aren’t having sex young. A great deal of teens around age 15 have engaged in intercourse and oral sex. A lot of times, youth don’t understand that oral sex is actually sexual activity and requires protection just as much as intercourse. It’s up to us as parents to ensure that our kids know how to protect themselves and where to obtain what they need. If you are a family who believes in waiting until marriage for sex, you need to communicate this belief clearly to your teen and give them the tools they need to manage this. That being said, they still need to be educated about contraception and where to get it. If they don’t know and they get in a situation where they’re facing intercourse, it’s better that they’re prepared instead of having unprotected sex. Talk with your teens about the reality that sex often results in pregnancy, despite using protection. They need to be prepared to make the conscious decision to have sex knowing that pregnancy is a potential outcome. Some parents have the motto that “if you’re ready to be a parent, then you can have sex.” Whatever your beliefs are on this matter, communicate them with your teen, the earlier the better.
Using these strategies should help you approach the topic of sex with your child, no matter the age. If you are still struggling to have this conversation, or want to go deeper in parenting practices, please schedule a free one hour Step by Step Parenting session with me to discuss how a one to one coaching relationship might be helpful.