July 18, 2022

Giving Yourself Grace

You wake up to find you’ve bled through your pad. You spill coffee on your work shirt. The kids are being slow. You’ve hit your limit and begin yelling, like you swore you wouldn’t do again.

I want to talk about giving yourself grace. We will chat about not beating yourself up. I’m going to reassure you that we’re all human and mess up sometimes.

Let’s face it, life is tough all around these days. We are in a pandemic, socially isolated, being divided over personal medical choices. There is stress as places of employment cut back or shut down and jobs are no longer secure. We can’t visit our support network as often as we normally would. Existing is just not the same anymore.

Parenting is hard enough without bringing a virus into it. Now we’re facing extended periods of time indoors or masked. Kids are cranky because they can’t go to the indoor playground anymore or have a birthday party. They pull off their mask for the fourteenth time or come home from school to say they traded their mask with their best friend. The struggle is real!

Maybe you grew up in a household that spanked or yelled or both and promised yourself you would never do the same. And then you have a day. That special kind of “It’s a Monday” day. You pick up the kids after school to find your son broke his glasses and your daughter lost her coat. Your stress and anger bubble up and you’re suddenly saying things you never meant to say. Then comes the guilt. You feel bad for what you said but don’t know how to fix things. You mull over the situation for hours and tell yourself what a horrible parent you are. Even though you’ve called your mom, your sister, and your best friend and they’ve told you everyone makes mistakes, you still feel terrible. Here’s what you do…

Take a deep breath. Take another one. Really work on inflating your lungs. Then find a quiet spot to sit so you can have a conversation with yourself. The first thing you need to say is “I forgive you.” I guarantee we have all been in your shoes. We have all made our kids upset at one point or another. It’s called being human. Feel your feelings for a few minutes and then let them go. Kheri, you say, it’s not that frickin’ easy! I know. It takes practice but you can get there. One deep breath and one I forgive you at a time. I want you to think back on the last time you were in this place. Did the world break apart? Did your kids stop loving you? My guess is no.

You have a decision to make. If you are finding yourself yelling or spanking more often than you ever wanted to, decide if you are ready to change that. It’s ok if you don’t have the energy right now. Just being aware of what you want to change is a big step. The next time you are with your kids, get down on their level, look them in the eyes, and apologize. Tell them that you did something you didn’t like and you didn’t mean to hurt them. Do your best to arrange to spend some fun time together, like playing a game or reading a few books cuddling on the couch. This will go a long way to repairing the hurt. If you decided you are ready to make a change, congratulations!!! Still apologize to your kids and spend special time with them but you can also add that you are going to be working on yelling less.

Whether you are able to work on making a change or not, stop beating yourself up over your mistake. It’s likely not going to be the last time and you’re going to need to let go of the shame or you’ll work your way into significant mental health challenges. It’s not worthwhile or healthy to keep telling yourself that you’re a bad parent. Here’s a well-kept secret that needs to be made public; your kids don’t need you to be perfect!!!

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Should I say that again? No one can ever attain perfection and it’s ridiculous to put that kind of burden on yourself. Experts have said more and more often that kids don’t need perfect parents, just ‘good enough’ parents. If you’re meeting their basic needs, spending some quality time with them, and care about being a good parent, you are good enough. You do not have to pack geometrically shaped fruit in their lunches or buy them brand name clothing. You do not have to do fun crafts every evening or register them in six different extra-curricular activities. No one can keep up with that kind of pressure. People may post those kinds of pictures on Facebook, but we never see the hair pulling in the van on the way to soccer and the screamed profanity to try to get it to stop.

I believe that the first step to giving yourself grace is to realize that no one who is a parent is perfect. You are not alone in feeling you did something wrong. You are part of a very inclusive club. You can choose to punish yourself by dwelling on your mistakes and give yourself an ulcer or you can remember that your child gave you a hug this morning and said “I love you, mommy” despite the fact that you lost it last night. It’s okay to screw up. Just repair the damage and move forward. Make the necessary changes if you determine you’re able to. Journal, pray, call your mom and then forgive yourself. The rest of us certainly do.

If you are struggling with how to make positive parenting decisions, please feel free to schedule a free one hour Step by Step Parenting session with me at www.survive-parenthood.com to discuss how a one to one coaching relationship might be helpful.

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